Made me cry.

Today we got something in the mail. It said: To Adeline and her baby brother.
I did not recognize the return address, but started to open it. When I saw that it was not wrapped, I thought I should do this later, but Jeff said just open it.
So I did and I totally got all teary. It is Tender Heart. The care bear. Oh man oh man.
I find myself doing one of the things I do best- being positive, and painting all the positive things I feel and observe around me to help buoy me up. But at the very same time, I am so full of concern and care for our baby boy, and when I talk about his open heart surgery... I get so emotional. I feel all the love and worry about the pain, and about the scar... I know he will be resilient and do well, but it does not make it any easier to think about the major surgery he will be under going. And the time it will take to recover. And how Jeff and I might just hold each other for the hours he is in surgery.
It is an amazing thing that our family is going through at this stage of life, and I hope we will be stronger because of it.
I also try to keep thinking of things to look forward to, which we have so many! But the longest day of my life will be the day he is in surgery, and waiting to hear everything has been completed and successfully. I think sometimes I try not to even think about it- nothing can prepare us for it.

5 pounds 6 ounces

So we got an ultrasound today to estimate the baby's weight. They estimate him to be about 5 pounds and 6 ounces. yay! That is so great. Of course I read about how accurate those can be, and they can vary from 1 pound under to 1 pound over. One of the websites explained that if you took 3 measurements on an adult it would be very hard to predict their weight because of how they are built, ect. Well that is why it is basically a guess- head circumference, belly circumference and length of the foot.
But everything looks good with the baby, the fluids are normal, he is moving, and practice breathing like a champ. He is definitely a HE, and it made my day to see that!

What I can not believe is that 5 weeks from now we will have our baby boy. If he does not come on his own, sometime after January 1st, (That marks 37 weeks) then on January 17th they will induce labor. That will be week 39.

We are going to try to have a vaginal delivery and do it with no pain medications. What is interesting is they prefer me to have a vaginal delivery if at all possible as it compresses the amniotic fluid out of the lungs. This is a relief to me, as that is what I prefer.

We realize that the baby's safety and health is number one, but we are hoping to have a good labor and delivery for the both of us. That being said, we will do whatever is necessary to get him here safely.

I was thinking how amazing this little guy is, and how becoming a parent has taught me so much about love. I love him and our little Adeline more than anything.

From here on out I will be having weekly ob appointments, including non-stress tests and biophysical profiles. Lots of time, but that is okay- I love to see his little body, and I think he might have good lips like his sister:)

I am excited for our little family to be growing...

A little processing if you don't mind.

I am so happy to be 32 weeks pregnant today. It feels like a milestone for some reason... Maybe because it means I am officially 8 months pregnant... Maybe because I am so thankful to still be pregnant? I am not sure but I feel glad. AND I feel tired. All the time. It is hard for a person like me who generally operates at 100% to reel it back to like 30%. But I am trying hard to listen to my body and rest when I need to. Reminding myself that it is only for a short time that I will need to do this, and that the reason for it is to keep this little baby boy, this wonderful little being growing and growing, for as long as I can. And man I am excited to meet him, and see what he is like. (OF course preferably not until January.) He gets the hiccups everyday, and it is so weird because how he is positioned I feel it in my hip. He moves a lot and I can tell he has been growing- because he takes up so much more space. He is also getting stronger and seems to object to certain ways that I lay by punching out my side, it makes me smile. I am so so thankful that he is growing where he should be.

This week I laughed so hard I cried, when was the last time you did that!?!? Omygosh it seemed to release some pressure that was much needed. I could tell you what it was about but it was dumb, but that is exactly what made it so funny. My tiredness most likely played into that, as it was at the end of the day. Still makes me smile thinking about it.

So being on restrictions since being out of the hospital has been hard. But maybe good in some ways. I can't lift Adeline, which is teaching me to be more patient. And there are days I do not want to be patient! But I try to adhere to the guideline, sometimes it is hard for her too, but we are working with it. I can't lift other heavy things-so I have to ask/wait for Jeff to bring laundry up and down stairs. I am still hungry/ravenous every two hours. I cannot do all the working out that I could before, and i feel like that contributes to my overall tiredness. I have been picking up a few more prenatal yoga classes, which are good for movement, and for my mind. I think another challenge is asking for help when I need it, and I am trying to get better at that.

One other thing that I have been mulling around in my head is how hard it is for me to think past January. I am not usually like that, and can always think of the future. But that is just how it is for me right now. So I am going to try to accept it.

And every once in awhile try to think of great things like next summer taking both of my kids to the beach, and how next year at this time we will have a baby that is almost a year old! And how these two children that I love so much will be teenagers one day. (that is a sobering thought! :) ) And the hopes that Jeff and I have for them. And when I look back at this time, how thankful I will be to be looking back instead of my heart so cautious and hopeful, and heavy. This is one life experience that I am not ashamed to say I am glad when it will be a memory.

Well, thanks for listening, or reading. I appreciate all the people that surround me in my life, and I know more now that ever, that you can surround me even miles and miles away. I feel lucky and blessed to have so many people that love me, and my little family. And that are watching and interested in who this little guy will be.

A word about this blog and how we are.

So I am so thankful for all of you who have been reading our blog and keeping up with us that way, and now it will hopefully become a bit boring for several weeks. I will update with how ultrasounds and appointments go, and any more details we learn.

When our baby boy is born I will update this blog with NICU, surgery, and CCU updates/ statuses and the like. I also look forward to blogging the day we get to bring our little guy home.

It seems like this has been a very good way to communicate to all of my favorite people whether friends or family. It is crazy to me but this site has already received about 350 hits. That includes the several times I have looked at it, but wow! That is pretty cool.

So if there are things you want me to talk about or find out about, just let me know by posting here, or emailing me.

And maybe this sounds weird, but I am totally okay with this being a boring blog for awhile:)

We are doing pretty well these first few days home. I have gone back to work- and feel quite tired.(7 and a half months pregnant will do that to anyone!) I am trying to listen to my body and "rest more." I have been going to bed earlier, and I think that helps.

It has been very interesting to go back to work and see how surprised some people are, (I tell them we are surprised, too!) And it is also fascinating who has been asking about our experience. I don't know why it surprises me, but it just does. I work with some of the best people. I also think they represent the best "Minnesota Nice" there is. They also have a variety of backgrounds including several nurses.

I have let them know that I have a new appreciation for nurses.

The other thing that had occurred to me sometime in my hospital stay is that I have been working OR volunteering in a Hospital type setting for almost 20 years. AM I EVEN OLD ENOUGH for that kind of comment?!?!

Anyway, and I have never been a patient. (Except for when we had Adeline.) So it was interesting to be on the patient side of everything. And since I got to the hospital via ambulance, I still do not know how to get-drive there. Weird.

Okay must be time for bed. Because I am rambling... I usually call it diarrhea mouth.. in this case diarrhea typing....

Thanks for reading, and this baby boy is kicking around in my belly right now- and it makes me smile. Still SO GLAD to be PREGNANT.

You will never believe where I am!

SO I am home, on my couch!!!!

Earlier today they did the test called AmniSure, and it came back negative. This means that I am not leaking amniotic fluid.

Pretty much this has to be a miracle.

I was hoping to go home, but it is so amazing to be here. Before Adeline went to bed we were all sitting on the couch and I just cried because it feels so good to be in my own space, and be with my family. Adeline said, Mommy crying? And I said yes, but it is because I am happy.

Jeff and I are still a little shocked- but glad to be out of the woods for now. We hope this is the course we will stay on, all the way until January!

So I will continue to update this blog as we begin weekly appointments in a few weeks, but we can rest.

I am home with restrictions but not on bed rest which is excellent, I am still surprised! I can still do yoga, which totally rocks, and I am home. Yay. Yay. Yay.

All of you, every single one of you that has sent us your thoughts and prayers, we appreciate it! Must be like an army of people that want this baby boy to do as well as we do!! :)

I am going to be taking the advice of the nurses and doctors very serious, and not lift Adeline and rest more (what does that mean exactly?) And even giving up my favorite workout ever: Zumba. But I want to be safe and stay safely pregnant as long as we can.

I so appreciate the calls, texts, emails and thoughts sent to us all this week. It might be the longest week ever.

I am thankful thankful for being watched over and my heart is full of love and grattitude. I feel so lucky to have made it through this week, virtually unscathed. (Except for an iv site that is bruising up nicely.) And I am thankful for the medical advances that could stop me from going into labor. Even if those medical advances can not really explain what happened.

While unscathed physically, I feel like my perspective has changed, and my love for this baby has grown even more, I love this little guy with all my heart and would have let them amputate my foot if it meant he did not get born early! Just ask Jeff how I did with the shots, and you might of thought that is what they were doing:) )

Well I have more thoughts and rambling, that I will add here later, but right now I am going to eat the chinese food Jeff just brought home...

:)

Ultrasound

Today they did an unltrasound on our little guy. Everything looks really good. His size is in the 50th percentile for this gestational age. He weighs in at about 3 pounds and 2 ounces. The fluids around him are all normal and look good, too. This is really good.
I love this little guy more everyday, and I had a discussion with him that I am very excited to meet him, but NOT YET!

So as far as staying at the hospital for now, we are in a bit of a holding pattern. They want to re-test to see if my water did in fact break, but they can not do that while I am still having spotting. Sorry if that is too much information for you!

Either way I will most likely be on bed rest until this little guy gets here. It seems like there is only a slight chance that I would be able to go home, but part of me hopes for it. Looking at the next 8 weeks at home instead of at this hospital has great appeal. Either way is going to be tough, because I am ready to go for a jog! However, I will do whatever is the best for our baby. And if you are reading this he is probably your baby in a way, too...

NICU, CCC, and Cardiac Surgeon

Today we had a tour of the labor and delivery unit, the Newborn Intensive Care, and the Cardiovascular Care Center and met the Cardiac Surgeon.
WOW.
That could make anyone tired!
All I could keep thinking is how thankful I am that we are still pregnant!

So the L&D unit is very nice, and we learned that when I am about to deliver they will move me to the Operating room/ or High Risk delivery rooms and there will be a NICU team there to take the baby and stabilize him. Jeff will get to go with him, and then as soon as I am recovered enough they will take me to him.

WE met the director of the NICU and he was very nice. We talked to him about a few of the questions we had about the NICU. The nursing ratio will be either one nurse to the baby or one nurse to 2 babies until he is stable enough for surgery.

He will be in the NICU until he has surgery. Once he has surgery he then will be in the Cardiovascular Care Center.

The CCC is set up alot like the ICU with private rooms and I forgot to ask the nurse patient ratio. But I assume that it will be whatever he needs.

So meeting the surgeon, I want to tell you about it. But I need to back up for a moment and tell you what I expected first. I expected the surgeon to be completely aloof, and like so smart that he lacked personal skills. But honestly I do not care- he can be a complete A@@hole as long as he does a good job! Anyway, one of my good friends had said/warned me to consider that possibility. And I am glad I did.

He was 45 minutes late to our meeting, and was yawning when he talked to us. He did answer all of my questions. He was knowledgeable and unable to dumb down his language, like talking about baby weight in CC's and such, but I could still understand his concepts. He had slicked back hair and a big smile.

He said there is about a 2 percent mortality rate with this surgery. If the baby is born prematurely that number goes up significantly. I asked him how often they do this surgery, and he said 10-15 times a year. So not every day, but often.

I asked how many people are on the team- at the time of surgery and it sounds like there are up to 11 people. Holy Crap!

He also talked about a potential thing they would do if the baby got really puffy called Delayed Sternal Closure. So the baby would have an open chest for a few days before they would close the chest. Of course it would be covered with a large bandage, and he said it would be hard to tell.

He also said that the baby could be on aspirin for 6-12 months after and a diuretic when we take him home.

IT also sounds like how long he will be in the hospital depends some on how well he eats. Occasionally babies go home with a tube for a little time.

The other really interesting thing we learned about is a medication that is called prostaglandin that allows the heart to mix blood and allows the baby to receive oxygenated blood until the surgery. An echocardiogram will be done shortly after birth to indicate when the surgery will/should be done. More than likely within the first 5 days after being born. Even if he is premature.

Another completely fascinating thing is that they will use his belly button for the iv if they can. They have a vein and an artery right there that they can provide nutrients for the baby and get blood and give medications.

Okay, that is my brain dump for now.

Jeff is bringing Adeline up here to see me, and I can hardly wait to see her!

Oh yeah, one more question I asked is how difficult is this surgery compared to other surgeries and he said moderate.

What we have tomorrow

So tomorrow is the day we had scheduled to tour the hospital. (Little did I know we would be getting a sneak-preview!) Anyway.

So we are still going to be meeting with the Cardiac Surgeon and touring the Newborn Intensive Care Unit. They will just take me in a wheelchair. Jeff will be here with me and we will ask questions we have lined up.

If you are just joining this blog, you may or may not know that our baby boy has transposition of the great vessels.

heart baby

This link can sum up the condition and explain the surgery.

It is amazing that they will be able to perform this surgery. I am so thankful for technology that allows us to prepare for and fix this condition. I am cautious as we prepare for it. (As much as we can.)

Thanks to all of you for your comments, calls and love. We appreciate them and will continue to need them in the coming weeks:)

In case you are curious, we are at Abbott Northwestern Hospital in South Minneapolis. It is connected to the Children's Hospital via tunnel.

But if that sounds weird it is really not, Minneapolis has many sky ways and tunnels that connect the buildings. Frankly because it is so damn cold, that it makes sense to have the sky ways connect buildings, parking garages and the like. They also have that in St. Paul. Pretty cool.

A note from Jeff...

Forti animo (Latin) translates to "with a stout heart."

We thought this was a fitting name for a blog about our plight and our son. I have never encountered a person with a bigger heart than Amanda. Despite the circumstances, she is still her optimistic, loving, and positive self. I am so lucky that she has allowed me to be part of her life. As she reminds me often, even though our life is upside down, every day she can hold on is a gift to our son. We joke about some day when our teenage son backtalk’s his mother and we will cherish the opportunity to remind him about what she went through to give him life.

Adeline is doing well and I am proud of her resiliency. She doesn't really understand the situation, but seems to have accepted that mom will be spending time at the "doctors" for the next while. She gets so excited when I tell her we're going to visit.

Our spirits are high and we know all will be okay in the end. I am thankful to have such supportive family members, friends, and co-workers. Thank you all for your prayers and words of support. We feel so loved.

-Jeff

Thankful, so thankful.

Right now I feel so thankful for all the families who have gone through things like this before... Because they went through some of these things and through their experiences they have figured out things that work.
Like magnesium can help stop labor.
Like giving shots of steroids (that hurt like hell!) can help the baby's lungs.
IT is amazing what they can figure out and how they are able to help these babies at all crossroads.

I slept better last night than the 2 previous, and I got my IV out today. Took a shower and feeling pretty good. They monitered the baby this morning and he is active and reactive, just like they want to see. No Labor. yay.

Thank you to everyone for all the notes of loving kindness, I am so thankful and feel so loved by you. I am sure that it is hard to know what to do.

One of my good friends brought me lunch today, and that was fun to see her and eat together.

The volunteers continue to bring cards, and gifts... Reminiscent of those days a long time ago, or not so long ago... when I volunteered at the hospital.

So grateful for my family and friends, and your love and support.

And grateful to be pregnant.

Still Pregnant! and feeling pretty good.

So I am feeling really good this afternoon after getting ofthe magnesium that was stopping labor. I am having no contractions/ signs of labor and that is great.

They will be monitoring the baby's heart rate again this evening but this morning everything looked really good.

They moved me to an ante-pardum unit where there are other moms who have not had their babies or who have had their babies and the babies are in the NICU.

The nurses continue to be wonderful and I am optomistic.

I am so thankful for the calls/emails/texts and love and support we are getting from all of you. :)

Here we are. Week 29

Here I sit in the hospital room in Minneapolis. 29 weeks pregnant and on medication to stop labor. My water broke early yesterday morning and are here being monitored and cared for. The staff here have been amazing.

Man I need to stay pregnant as long as possible, as long as it is healthy for me and baby boy.

Right now I am having no labor which is good and our baby is in no distress. Jeff brought Adeline to see me for a little while today and it made my day. She is so awesome. It was a little bit of a strange place but we explained to her that mommy needs to rest and that the doctors and nurses are taking good care of me. She got a little nervous when one of the nurses came in, so she sat with Jeff. She did want to check out my iv and we talked about the fact that I was getting medicine that way. She sang me a song and read some stories, and said Oh my goodness at least three times. Another recent phrase I adore is: “Ta-dah” when she has made a tower, or colored a picture. Man she is cute.

Well as far as timelines and what I want to share with all of you who love me so:
Jeff is awesome, he is amazing and taking such good care of me. My best friend Adrienne has Adeline, and I so appreciate that. Adeline loves to see Connor, and that has to be the next best thing to being with Mom and Dad. We have had so many offers of help and support that we appreciate, and we may really really need.

I have no idea if I will be at the hospital for 2 days or 2 months. There is a pretty good chance that they will keep me here until I deliver our little guy. In the very best case I could carry him all the way until 36 weeks or more- Which also is the day of Christmas. Wouldn’t that be a gift?!

In all likelihood, we will be thankful for each day that I can stay pregnant and that he can grow and prepare for what is waiting for him here. On Wednesday this week we meet with the Surgeons and will be able to ask them questions. Because of the chance for early delivery that adds to our list of questions. I plan to take notes or write down what they tell us so that you can all know what is up.
When he is born he will fairly immediately go to the Newborn Intensive Care unit where they will help him get stabilized. They will do a scan on his heart to see how everything is. 2 weeks ago when we discussed this with the pediatric cardiologist they said they would do surgery within the first week. If he is born prematurely I do not know if they will be able to allow him to grow in the NICU, and then do surgery later. I kind of doubt it.

So I have thought and thought about how I will share this journey with all of you that love us so, and I have decided that blogging some will help me disperse information, and allow me to brain dump/process and share with all of you that love and care for me.

Thank you for all the texts and voicemails, and love support and prayers from wherever you are. We feel your love and need it.